The Guy From Last Night

Hi. How are you?

Who is this?

The guy from last night.

Which one?

Which one? You’re popular.

I’m beautiful.

And very humble I can see.

Dave?

No, Tom. It’s on the chat window. I told you the joke about the pilot.

Oh yeah, the racist.

I’m not racist. It was a joke.

Says the racist.

I think we’re starting off on the wrong foot.

I’m not. I wasn’t a racist last night.

Okay, I’m starting off on the wrong foot. Can I start again?

Sure.

Hi. How are you?

Who is this?

Seriously?

You said we were starting over. That’s how this started.

Okay… Hi, it’s Tom. The guy from last night. How are you?

Good.

What’re you up to?

Trying to figure out if I should take my dress from last night to the dry cleaners or wait.

Wait.

Then the smells might set in.

What smells?

Smells of men.

What men?

The men that grinded up against me.

I feel like I’m catching you at a bad time. Not sure I want to hear this.

Don’t act shocked. I danced. Men danced against me. They weren’t invited. No one ever invites men to dance on them. They just do it. They get close and just rub their crotches against you. Why do you do that?

I don’t do that.

Yes you do.

I don’t.

I saw you.

Oh.

Yeah, oh.

Why are you chatting me?

Why did you accept my friend request?

Habit.

Ouch.

It’s true. I don’t think I ever turn down a friend request.

How many friends do you have?

1600.

All guys that have grinded against you?

Funny.

I try.

Should’ve tried harder last night.

Oh come on, that was funny.

It was funny but it was also extremely racist.

But I’m black.

Oh, so it’s okay to tell black jokes if you’re black?

I think so. I always do.

Does it always work?

Work?

Yeah, do racist jokes work on ladies.

No, but messing up and getting lectured and then acting like I didn’t think it was racist does.

???

Here’s how you do it:

Do what?

Pick up a girl. Here is my process. Ready?

Hit me.

  1. Go up to her, introduce yourself.
  2. Do something inappropriate. Examples: Tell a racist joke. Sexually harass her.
  3. Give a big grin that says, “Is that not okay?”
  4. Wait to be chastised, giving the girl the power.
  5. Pretend like you don’t get it.
  6. Try to win her affections after royally screwing up in step 2.

You’re an idiot.

Am I?

I think so. That could never work.

You’d think it couldn’t but it does.

How could that possibly work? What about that would make me want to go out with you?

Women are stupid.

Excuse me?

They’re easy to manipulate.

You’re outta your fucking mind. You can’t say shit like that to me. To women. We aren’t stupid. We’re over 50% of the population. The 50% that does something for this fucking earth. How can you say shit like that?

= D     Is that not okay?

Oh I see. You’re a funny guy. Trying to pick me up right now?

Trying.

Well, it won’t work.

You sure?

Yes.

So what did you decide?

About what?

The dress. Taking it in?

I think I will. I like the dress. Don’t want it to smell like gross boys forever.

Wanna meet?

No.

Just for coffee.

No.

A brief handshake on the street?

No.

A slap to the face? You slapping me of course.

Definitely no. You’d like it too much.

How’d you know?

Lol.

Aha! It’s working.

No it’s not…

; )    You’re in love with me.

WHAT?!

Yep. You went from loathing to love. All stemming from a racist joke that I stole from a TV show.

I got a racist joke for you.

Lol. Shoot.

Why do white people own so many pets?

Ha. Why?

Because we’re not allowed to own people anymore.

LMAO. You’re such a racist.

No, I’m not. I’m white.

Synonyms.

That’s racist.

It probably is.

Okay, I’m leaving. Have a good night.

Wait.

What?

Coffee?

I don’t drink coffee.

Dinner?

I don’t eat.

What do you do?

I go to dry cleaners.

Alright, then let me pay for your dry cleaner.

That’s a cheap date.

I’ll put $100 on a dry cleaning tab. Then you can go whenever.

That’s interesting. Keep talking.

I could buy you a dress that you will later have to get clean after I grind up against you.

WHOA.

Too far?

Nah. I kind of like it. Meet me at Mel’s on 4th.

Leaving now.